My Journey to Forgiveness

According to Google

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.”

How can you forgive a person who emotionally tormented you?

When you think that you gave everything that you could ever give but still he managed to betray you?

It’s difficult for us human to give our 100% trust to a certain person that’s why it’s also a huge deal if they break it.

I met my boyfriend when I was 21, he was turning 26 back then. We have a 5 years age gap but I didn’t mind since he can also be goofy around me. It’s funny because looking back, I really prayed to God that He give me a boyfriend who’s 5 years older than me, smart, has a good sense of humor, good looking, and of course kind.

In our 2-year relationship I learned a lot of things that made me more mature. I really have a thing for smart guys that’s why I thought to myself that I’m so lucky to have him in my life.

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He taught me a lot of valuable stuff that I can use in real life. One of those things are personal development. I was a go-with-the-flow type of person before I met him. Probably because I’m so young then. Little by little I’m noticing that my perspective in life is changing. I am now eager to develop myself and of course improve my financial intelligence so I can manage my income well.

We’re getting along so well and I’ve already introduced him to most of my relatives. I’ve also planned our year together. I like travelling a lot so I am planning to celebrate our 3rd year anniversary in Singapore.

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A friend and colleague introduced me to the feast-a catholic and spiritual community founded by Bro. Bo Sanchez-and that’s where I started to become closer to God again. I feel so blessed everytime I attend and I just couldn’t ask for more. I started praying for the people in Syria, for my family, friends and loved one’s health and well-being.

I had a great Christmas with my family at home, and I spent the rest of my vacation with my boyfriend in Baguio. We celebrated the New Year like no other, it was simple and yet so meaningful. Indeed, I’m so blessed that I couldn’t ask for more.

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I continued attending the feast and the talk series for January was “Best Year Ever”. Ironically last Mid-January was the turning point of my life. One night I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me since-I-don’t-know-when. I was so devastated, I was a wreck. You know the feeling when you found out something that never in a million years you think would happen to you? I feel like someone just splashed me with a bucket full of iced water. My hands and legs were shaking. So many things are going on my mind, so many questions, and I couldn’t just comprehend them all.

I confronted him that night when I found out and he couldn’t even looked me in the eyes. Just by looking at those eyes-saying I’m guilty-feels like a stab in my heart. I cried a bucketful of tears and I’m feeling a lot of emotions all at once. I’m trying to figure out how could he do that to me and at the same time I want to make him feel what I’m feeling at that moment. I want to get revenge, I want to get even. I also want to make him pay and those women that he’s been with. I want to make their lives miserable.

I became a different person after that. You would think that I have broken up with him after I found out, but I didn’t. I don’t want him to be happy with those women while I’m alone and suffering. I became selfish, and paranoid. I was full of pain, anger, and bitterness and when our emotion gets the better of us we do things without thinking about the consequences-like trying to contact our exes. Yup, that’s right I am an idiot for not thinking and being impulsive. That moment I do not care about anyone’s feelings. All I’m thinking is I want to get even. I want to make my boyfriend suffer the same way I did.

I stopped getting in touch with my ex when my boyfriend found out that we’ve been talking over the phone for quite some time. I don’t feel any guilt though, I’m just sorry for my ex because for the second time he thought that I’m gonna come back to him again.

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Thinking about my experiences and my actions, I probably have done worse if I’m not a feast-attendee. Funny enough, the talk series for February was “Hurt Attack”. It talks about our emotional wounds and how to heal life’s deepest pains. I attended all of the talk series and I also encouraged my boyfriend to go with me. It was a hard sell actually because he didn’t want to go. He makes a lot of excuses to not come, but then finally I’ve managed to convince him to attend.

During one session at the feast they announced that they’re having another batch of Love Life Retreat. Me, my boyfriend and my friend decided to attend because we know that the Hurt Attack series was not enough to heal our emotional wounds. We already paid for the reservation fee but a week before the retreat my boyfriend had some important occasion to attend to and unfortunately he couldn’t attend the retreat. Even though I’m kinda disappointed I let it pass because I know that it’s really important and that he has to prioritize it.

On the other hand, me and my friend still push through with the retreat. It was indeed a life-changing experience for me. I couldn’t even explain in words what I felt during the retreat. I surrendered to Him all my pain, my anger, my bitterness, my vengefulness, and my sufferings. There I found new friends with a lot of story to share. I felt that I’m not alone with my journey and that I’m strong for being able to recognize my emotions and even initiating into giving a solution to it. My love tank becomes full again.

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After the retreat I went to my boyfriend and we talked about what happened during the retreat. I told him that I am finally forgiving him without any reservation. We both cried because after that I’m finally able to say again that I love him.

Looking back, I do now understand that I have to find it out because it has to stop. I have to go through it because God wants to save me from the betrayal, and He wants me to help my boyfriend as well to stop his sin and to deliver him back to God to become His servant again. My boyfriend was the prodigal son, and I became his good Samaritan.

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He sent me the feast, and the people that I get to know because He wanted me to feel His presence, and that He’s just been there for me all along and all throughout my journey. He has finally lifted all the pain, anger, bitterness, vengefulness, and my sufferings.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The sequence of it all might be a mere coincidence to some, but I chose to look at it as a way of God saying that I am here, I never abandoned you. You just have to come back to me, you just have to trust me, you just have to surrender everything to me and I will heal you.

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I am now a regular attendee at the feast, and I’m proud to say that I never missed a session yet. He even granted one of my wish in my novena to God’s love and because of His blessings I want to become a servant at the music ministry to serve Him using the talent that He gave. Truly life is unpredictable but we just have to trust the process of God because he will never fail us.

Thank you for reading my journey to forgiveness.

Love,

Bxx

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